Alice Walker, a brilliant black woman and author of The Color Purple once said, “Is solace anywhere more comforting than that in the arms of a sister?”
Friendship, specifically between women, is one of the greatest wonders of the world because of the healing, empowerment, and safety it can bring. A friend is someone to lean on and walk with during your greatest and most painful life experiences. But with every friendship comes concerns and struggles. What happens if you can’t lean on your friend because it hurts to be vulnerable? What if your friend leans “too much” and you don’t know how to help?
Women struggle with expressing their challenges with mental health or mental illnesses, even to friends. Women of color and Black women struggle with their mental health because most are taught by families or society to be strong and not express emotions. White women are often granted more access to be openly vulnerable and emotionally expressive than Black women. In many cases where Black women have expressed their emotions or have shown signs of having mental health issues, they are misunderstood, gaslighted, heavily policed, arrested, or even killed. With this, it can be very easy to understand why some may present the “Strong Black Woman” survival tactic within their friend groups. Those who don’t are often criticized and demonized by their sisters and friends.
I believe that friendships take just as much work as a relationship to truly flourish and withstand the tests of life. Many believe that friendships, just like romantic partnerships, are something you fall into and that they are sustained on their own with fantasy and friendship goals. That is a myth and a huge part of why friendships fade. Are you always labeled as being a “difficult friend?” Did she not show up to your party or meet-ups because she’s a bad friend or does she have social anxiety? Is she jealous or hating or has she never told anyone she gets nervous when meeting new people which may come across in a negative ways? Is someone still a good friend if they struggle with depression or if they are suicidal? Sometimes you just need to ask, “Girl, are you okay?” Knowing that someone is listening can make a huge impact.
Many of us aren’t checking on our friends as we should or are afraid to talk about our issues in fear of scaring the people we love away. It’s not because we don’t care and it’s not because we are weak. It is because we simply aren’t aware enough; we’re incapable of having difficult conversations or we don’t want to seem like a burden to our friends. Being a good friend has more to do with how you show up for people than being a perfect and likable person. It is more important to try and reach out to your sis if you notice her behavior or mannerism is unhealthy or harmful in any way. It is not okay to criticize, judge, or isolate yourself from her because she’s “too much” unless it is a situation that has become harmful to your well-being and mental health.
Do you notice when your girl has been wearing the same clothing for days? Maybe hygiene or appearance seems more unkempt than normal. Don’t talk about her to your other friends or avoid being around her. Ask her if she’s good and if you can support her in any way. Notice she tends to have an interesting but very toxic selection of men in her life? Don’t go in the group chat talking about how she’s dumb for staying in her relationship. A good friend would validate and point out unhealthy choices that are not a reflection of her, but instead, reflect her trauma.
By no means should you vilify yourself or someone else for not revolving their life around anyone but themselves. However, we should be more observant of our friend groups and patient when a friend is in need. Let her know how you’re concerned. It is also important to identify triggers and seek help if our challenges begin to project onto our friends in a way that’s unhealthy. Know that no one, no matter how many great friends you have, is responsible for your well-being and health but you. It is counter-productive to lean on your mental health challenges or illnesses as a crutch for our unhealthy behavior instead of starting a journey of healing and taking accountability for our actions even if it’s hard.
