As they smoked their cigarettes and drank their “grownup juice” my aunties would always say, “sometimes it ain’t the devil, it’s you.” I never understood what they meant until I got older and became an adult.
Growing up in the church, there were always proclamations and sayings about the “devil” causing every single bad thing that happens in your life. When my mother would vent to her girlfriends about her problems and challenges, I recall always hearing, “chile, that ain’t nothing but the devil.”
I left the church years ago however, I am still deeply spiritual and have come to know God more than I have ever before. I do believe negative energy, people with ill intentions, and “evil forces” exist as roadblocks in our lives. However, at some point in our lives, we must learn that sometimes it’s not other people or forces, it’s you.
You are the common denominator and it’s time to call ourselves out on our own bullshit. It’s time to put our big girl panties on. If you needed a sign to get right with yourself, this is definitely IT.
Accountability is our new word for 2020 and moving forward. Last year, there was much conversation amongst our peers on social media about what it means to be “toxic” in both relationships and behaviors. What I didn’t see enough of, is how we are holding ourselves accountable for our lack of fulfillment.
We talk about toxic partners but not how our own actions and behaviors enable their behavior. We talk about toxic friends, but not enough about our own problematic ways of friendships. We talk about how dangerous social media can be but we also must talk about how we created the very culture of social media that we hate so much. What I’m saying is, it’s not always THEM, sometimes you have to look inward.
I learned quickly and humbly from so many experiences that were traumatic. I was in a relationship where my boundaries were constantly broken but I continued to take my partner back. I missed out on opportunities because I allowed fear to determine my actions. So many times did I have to let my ego die in order to get out of my own way.
When I discovered this, I was strengthened spiritually and mentally. I stopped allowing my ego to constantly tell me that it is me against the world, that bad things are always happening to me. I was able to find accountability and decided that I actually did have a choice in my destiny. I no longer feel self-pity because it is unhealthy and unproductive. I know the kind of life I want to live and I play a huge part in creating it.
Accountability is the key to getting your shit together. You gonna let someone or something tell YOU who YOU are sis? Do you know how blessed and unconquerable you are? If you did, you would take life into your own hands. Instead of complaining about not having or making enough money, create a budget and stop those unplanned visits to Target. You got food at home!
Stop allowing men to treat you any kind of way. Establish boundaries in the beginning and don’t be phased by every nice smile. You don’t attract fuckboys. You CHOOSE fuckboys.
There’s a difference.
Don’t be envious of someone else living their best life or owning their own business. If that is what you desire, create an action plan and follow through so you can achieve that too. You are smart, powerful, beautiful, and resourceful.
Use the gifts you were given. If you slip up or find yourself going back to unhealthy behaviors and self-sabotage, don’t shame yourself. Forgive yourself, reflect on it, create a plan to move forward, and actually MOVE ON. You use double the energy and get zero results from shaming yourself for something when you could just do better. I want to see you win love, but you have to be honest with yourself before you can get anywhere in life and that’s the real tea.
