"So.... do I just have to.... move on?"
R-ealizing.
A-ccepting.
P-acifying.
E-volving.
I'm going to base this article solely on my perspective, coming from personal experience and stories I've asked my peers for. Going to try to keep it transparent and straight to the point. This is no project. This is no school assignment. This is raw. This is real. And if this helps one person, I have achieved my goal.
Let me make this clear before I begin-
Do not blame yourself.
Do not blame yourself.
Do not blame yourself.
"I knew I shouldn't have gone to that party."
Well for me it was, "I knew I should have gone to that party." Since if I had... my encounter wouldn't have happened.
Meaning.. party or no party.. has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING. I know people who have been taken advantage of in church. Does that mean they shouldn't have gone to church that Sunday? No. That's just clarification the setting of the event is not something you can blame yourself for.
"Why did I wear that?"
"I shouldn't have been drinking."
"I shouldn't have been smoking."
Realize:
http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/story?id=130199&page=1
http://metro.co.uk/2016/09/15/mother-speaks-out-about-the-rape-of-her-11-month-old-baby-6129812/
In addition to those poor babies, over 62,939 cases of child sexual abuse were reported in 2012. Were all of their skirts too short? Bodysuits too tight? Plunged necks too plunged? Should they have put the bottles down earlier? Should they have declined a spot in rotation? Should they have not fallen asleep?
"I mean, but did I say no?"
Shifting your body is no.
Shaking your head is no.
Making it obvious you're uncomfortable is no.
Not participating is no.
Participating in oral, but making it clear you didn't want to take any further steps is no.
"Chill" is no.
“Stop” is no.
"Please stop" is no.
"I don't want to" is no.
"I'm really drunk" is no.
"Wait..." is no.
Silence is no.
Not making it clear you are down is no.
Not saying "yes"..... is no.
Answer this-
If somebody’s laid around YOU resting, would that trigger YOU to take that as opportunity to disregard them as a human being and completely exploit their body just to use it at your demonic and lusty disposal?
…… okay then.
Step 1 is coming to realization. It happened. What's next?
Accept it.
"Was it reallllllllyyyy rape?"
Yes. Yes, it was.
Breathe.
If you did not want to have intercourse, but intercourse happened and you felt helpless....
No. You are not being overdramatic.
No. You are not overreacting.
No. You do not need to be ashamed of any decision you made prior.
No. You do not need to brush it off and keep it pushing.
No. It is not fair.
No. You shouldn't feel dumb for missing any signs.
No. He's not too nice of a guy to do it.
No. She's not too nice of a girl to do it.
No. He's not too cute for it to be rape.
No. She's not too fine for it to be rape.
No. You should not feel embarrassed.
No. You're not crazy for not wanting to press charges.
No. You're not dumb for not "fighting" him/her back.
No. It's not your fault.
No. You're not the only one who didn't want to tell anyone.
No. You're not the only one who was confused.
No. You're not the only one who tried to brush it off.
No. You're not the only one who felt dirty afterwards.
No. You’re not the only one who felt empty afterwards.
No. You’re not the only one who didn’t know what to feel afterwards.
No. It didn't have to be a stranger.
No. It didn't have to be extremely aggressive.
No. You're not the only one who didn't kick and scream.
No. You're not the only one who froze.
No. You're not the only one who tried to convince their self they wanted it.
No. You're not alone.
No. It doesn't make sense.
No. You're not the only one feeling emotions you don't want to feel.
With my experience, I blamed myself terribly for about a month. I thought it was so much I should’ve done that could have prevented it. I didn't think it was rape because I thought it was my fault, but I knew I felt disgusting. Empty. Disposable. Violated. Sick. Traumatized. Alienated. I did not understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I started feeling a heavy weight on my spirit every morning. Happy ass, positive ass Braxton... felt like she was falling into a deep depression. And her social ass, outgoing ass, my mom is my best friend headass was choosing to go through it alone. A month may sound like a short amount of time, but each day of darkness felt like it’s own eternity. I wasn't even thinking about the situation being tied to the slump I was falling into, because that would've been me being over-dramatic and I. hate. feeling. like. I'm. being. over-dramatic. I wasn't getting out of bed. I knew looking good normally made me feel better, but I didn't have the energy to go through the getting ready process. I stopped going to class. I didn't have much of an appetite. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I couldn't bring myself to believe that all my ambitious ass really wanted to do was sleep.
It's something about having something precious snatched from you. Stolen from you. It's something about doing something you didn't want to do. It's something about being used. It’s something about someone demeaning you. Degrading you… up close and personally… aggressively. It's something about realizing someone ignored you as a person and treated you like a disposable item to convenience their self. To please their self. To get off. To bust… a… fucking…… nut. All to bust… a…. fucking…. nut. It's something about feeling like it's nothing you can do about it now. It's something about wanting to understand something you never will. It's something about fishing for a "why?" that's not in the damn sea. I tried so so hard to figure out what was going on. I was blaming it on past situations. I was blaming it on my environment. I would text my sisters/ call my mom just asking for prayer. I was so fucking confused about why I felt so dysfunctional and I hate dysfunction.
When I think back, that month (and some change) before I found clarity on the situation is all a blur. Even typing this now I feel so dramatic, but I'm gonna push through it because I know someone will be able to relate. I would cry a lot, overwhelmingly, but I told myself it was for other reasons.. not about the situation. I would cry about not feeling like myself and feeling like it was completely out of my control.
The day I told my oldest sister, a dark cloud cleared in my life. I found it in myself to accept the fact that I was not okay & that was okay. I cried about what happened to me and I cried about all the turmoil that came after, for the first time. She made me realize it was NOT my fault and I could NOT blame myself for what happened. I could NOT blame myself for being alone with a rapist disguised as a big brother figure. I could NOT blame myself for being raped. I could NOT blame myself for evil doing what evil does (violate, dehumanize, demean, degrade, etc.. you know.. be evil.) A couple days after I told her, I told my mom. After telling those two, I felt drastically different.
After accepting the situation for what it is, it's time to tend to it. It’s time to..
Pacify it.
This is the most complicated part since everyone is so different. Each victim is different. Each story is different. Each rapist had a different connection to each victim. Each victim’s support system is different. However, the most important thing is the same-
Each victim must take time to heal.
The pacifying process.
How did I start to heal? I first had to figure out what I wanted in the end. I didn't want a big scene. I didn't want him harmed. I just wanted me to be okay. Actually, I wanted me to be good because okay is not good enough. Actually, I wanted me to be better because I can’t control what happened, but I can control what I turn it into.
The pacifying step is most important to me because I've came across many desensitized by rape due to how they handled their situation. We can not have that. We have to be there for each other. Those who are desensitized- they blamed it on their self. They handled it alone. They haven't told anyone to this day. They feel uncomfortable when the topic comes up, but they don't think they deserve to. They believe their situation was close to rape, but not rape because they should have made better decisions. They left it alone. They ignored how weird they felt afterwards. They didn't want to be overreacting, over-dramatic, embarrassed, questioned, judged, etc. Some don't even realize they're desensitized because they've shifted their perspective on rape naturally. Although they know they felt violated, they shift their perspective to one almost like the average mans. "She didn't say "No." She was drunk. She was high. She probably wanted it. It wasn't that big of a deal. It could've been worse. It's over now."
Am I describing you? If so, It's not too late. It's NEVER too late and it's always better late than never that you tend to your emotions. Cry now. Tell someone now. Soak in on how your situation made you feel. Put yourself in your rapist shoes. If they were sleeping, if they were drunk, would you have taken their clothes off and did what they did to you? If they told you no three times softly would you have proceeded? When someone lays in your presence do you feel entitled to their body?
Another big part to healing properly is not making the situation about finding faults. Know and understand it's not yours and move on from there.
Release the tension. You've been uneasy long enough. Time to let it go. First allow yourself to feel the frustration. Feel the confusion. Feel the inequity. You deserve that. You have to go low with your emotions to go high next. You have to feel down to feel up next.
You do not have to face your rapist. You do not have to convince everyone that you were raped. You do not have to prove to anyone how it affected you. That's putting energy into the wrong things, all of your energy needs to go towards making YOU better. I'm specifically not saying "back to normal" because I want you to grow from this.
If writing works for you, write about the situation in an effective way. Do not put sweat and tears into deep thoughts about your rapist. He's taken enough from you. Write about you. How was that for you? Where do you want to go from here? Write about the feelings you're trying to overcome.
If you're a pray-er, pray about you. Pray about a societal shift in rape culture. Pray about others who have been through what you've been through. Pray about others who may be feeling what you're feeling. Be specific. Tell God what emotions you don't want to feel anymore. Tell God you're confused, but also thank him for your future stability and the strength you have now. You're reading this, so you've made it through. You may not be where you want to be mentally/ emotionally with the situation... so tell God that. Then take the steps to grow from it. We must back our prayers up with action.
Whether you're a talker or not, I'd suggest talking about it. Each time I tell my story I notice it holds less power over me. Tell your story to not only a trusted individual, but a wise individual. Whenever someone is pouring their heart out at a fragile moment, a moment of vulnerability, the reaction is CRUCIAL to the healing process. I wouldn't want you seeking comfort from anyone who will come with questions like "Did you say no?" or "What were you wearing?"
Okay.
Breathe. (inhale through your nose counting to 7, exhale through your mouth counting to 7)
Now we've realized what happened.
We've accepted what happened.
We've pacified what happened.
Now it's our turn to take full control!!!!
What do we do when boys fuck us over??? We glow up on that ass. Yes this is WAY deeper, but it's a concept we can all relate to. It's unfortunate that we have to take it upon ourselves to clean up messes we had no control over... but let's clean up so well the "place" is better than ever before. The "place" is glowing. We are the place. We can become spotless again even after a crazy party, even after someone came in and fucked some shit up.
Let's evolve.
I can (now) honestly say my experience had a positive impact on me in the end. It took tons of tears, weeks of fasting, and countless talks with God, but I'm here.
Yippee!!! Finding the silver lining in everything. Searching for the light in everything and wanting to help others find their light, too.
When I reached that dark place, I had to search for who I was again & I took complete control over myself again. I refound my light. And don't get me wrong I always saw a light in myself, but this time it was different. It's something about being in the darkest place you've ever been in that leads you to find the brightest light in yourself. And ever since I flicked that switch on, I haven't seen a dark time. Meaning I only allow myself to see the light of situations. Way easier said than done, BUT it CAN be done.
A women who found it in herself to complete herself cannot be broken. Ever.
Everything is a learning experience. Everything really does happen for a reason.
What is meant to be... will be.
What is meant to work out... will work out.
Especially for the good of them that love the Lord. Amen.
"So glad I made it. I made it through. Got some scars, but I'm still alive. In spite of calamity, he still has a plan for me and it's working for MY good. It's building my testimony."
Marvin Sapp’s ‘My Testimony’
(Please take a listen to the song)
I look at my situation as a scar. You can, too! A little battle scar. It's a battle that you've already won, physically. Don't let them win over you, mentally. They had that one moment of you, but essentially you can win now. You will win now. Don't give them anymore power over you!!!!!!!!
Release.
Realize this is when it falls on you.
You have to do this for you.
Nobody can make you evolve besides yourself. Use this as the time. Use this as the urge. Flip it around. Take advantage of your situation.
Let this fire you feel add to the fuel of passion you already had inside.
Let your evolution be multi-faceted.
Evolve mentally.
Evolve emotionally.
Evolve spiritually.
Evolve physically.
Evolve financially.
Dig deep and push yourself.
Figure out what you need to do to make yourself better and push yourself daily to do that. Emphasis on daily. You have to constantly push in order to consistently grow. It's not just about realization... it's about action. The question should always be:
"What am I doing today that is helping my tomorrow?"
And the bonus question is always:
"What can I do today that will help someone else's tomorrow?"
Don't be afraid of the steps you need to take to become who you want to become. Don't be afraid of taking the steps you need to take to become who you want to become.
Growth requires change. You cannot be afraid of change. You must go for it.
And you don't only have to apply this process to physical rape. You can use it for situations that may be "raping" you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
You WILL heal from this. You did NOT deserve this, but soon it will be another victory under your belt. You are strong. You are powerful. You are EVERYTHING.
I love you!
Let’s move on! FOR GOOD!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO,
BRAX