When To Say When
/“When To Say When” is one of a few of my favorite songs off of Mr. OVO aka Drake’s 2020 “Dark Lane Demo Tape” mixtape. Now I’m not here to promote his music but I am here to break down the lyrics and give you an insight into a much deeper meaning.
This mixtape touches on several different topics that I will highlight and expound on.
Independence & Grind:
“I decide what to see next like it's on-demand
I decide what to be next like I'm switchin' plans
I' ma tell you what you feel next like the weatherman”
These lyrics tell us he’s in control of his life, career, and everything else in between. Imagine life waiting on you to make the next move. Imagine the feeling of power and control being something you hold in your hands.
Humility & Persistence:
“...praying hands like I'm a religious man
But I'm just a sicker man, wicked man”
I read this as Drake showcasing his character. We think of him as someone who is respectable, in tune with God, and an angel in some sense. When in fact he is human and knows that at times he can be “wicked” and flawed, just like the rest of us.
Love & Loyalty:
“You just need to stay close to your people
That was there when others could've been
There when others should've been”
These lines are self-explanatory but hit home nevertheless. These are one of those truths that can only be taught through experiencing all the disappointments of the world. That it’s important to prioritize your village and acknowledge those that stayed by your side through the storm.
Motivation & Insight:
“How you plan to make it to the top by just fittin' it?
How you plan to take a n****s spot by just givin' in?
How you gon' treat this s*** like you gon' get to live again?
How you gettin' hype off one hit? Do that s*** again”
This anaphora screams out pressure, motivation, and insight. Truly a hard-working mindset and honestly, I think it speaks for itself. Feed your inner-beast with consistency, waking up to be a better day today. In the wake of COVID, it has taught us all to grab life for what it is and to not settle because we only get one life to live.
Maturity & Reflection
“It's because you n****s insecure, you ain't made men
It's because, even though you hate on me, we stay friends
It's because you n****s never learn when to say when, yeah”
These lines show us the dynamic of our relationships with people close to us. How we have haters camouflaged as friends, and how we are normally around people who are insecure and never actually know when to take life for what it is and make things happen for self.
In my opinion, this mixtape speaks to a lot of spiritual work that we are all trying to accomplish in the midst of this chaotic year. I challenge you to take the time out to really dissect the deeper subtexts in the music you listen to daily! Then you will be able to decipher which words feed your soul, from the words that taint your spirit. Soul food is much more than inspirational articles, it’s about being able to tap into any information you digest daily and figure out how you can get the necessary nourishment you need to be full.
Black Women Carry The World
/Who TF Carries US?
No matter how many memes circulate the internet, or how bad the world gets. The idea of loving Black Women always falls on deaf ears.
I am so tired of being strong in a world that offers everyone else but black women grace.
People are always expecting Black Women to bear EVERYTHING while having no accountability partner, no one to check in to see if we are okay, and no one fighting for us.
I honestly wish that Black Women didn’t have to experience pain before they experience love.
In a world that hates the color of our skin and hates the fact that we have a voice, somehow we are still the go-to when everyone and everybody needs saving.
But WHO saves us, who protects us, who fights for us, who advocates for us?
I have watched Breonna Taylor's name get buried in my timeline for OVER 150 days, and her killers have not been arrested.
This is no time to compare deaths because ALL black lives matter, BUT George Floyd shut down the world and had so many people at his funeral in the wake of COVID-19 and we can’t have an arrest for a Black woman who was killed while sleeping?
The bar is literally in hell, we just want respect, we just want to not be shot at, we just want to be believed, and to not have to prove that our lives matter just as much as our brothers.
Black men, I expect so much more because you come from the womb of a Black Women and still stutter when it's time to speak for her, come on the TL and try and talk your way out of sexual assault.
White women have lied on your name for years, and when your sister speaks her truth she deserves to be silenced, to be killed, to be canceled?
You want her to have knees like Meg, but the world shakes when Meg needs someone to stand for her?
I wish all of the hate, all of the unnecessary pain we bear, from childbirth to board rooms had some type of connection, to who we are, because we are so much to so many people and still are spoken about like we’re nothing.
We have to jump through hoops to be seen by our white counterparts and by those who share our skin color, we must be in imminent danger that involves someone that isn’t a black male in order for our cries to be seen as real tears.
I’m so fucking tired of being graceful, of holding picket signs and walking for my people at marches, for people to stand still when black women are the topic of conversation.
We’re so hated, yet so needed.
Being a Black Woman has made me stay in situations longer than I anticipated due to the fear of “if not us, then who?”
Being a Black Woman made me raise grown men, and become an unlicensed clinician to help them rebuild and sort out their demons, while still suffering from being fatherless myself.
Being a Black Woman has made me not only fear my oppressors but fear speaking up about anything for the idea that I may not be believed.
Being a Black Woman has made me tap into my childhood trauma, and teach myself that it’s okay to cry, and be weak because my whole life a black woman taught me the only option I had was to be strong.
Being a Black Woman has made me the type of angry they expect us to be.
But they won’t tell you that 59% of Black women 25 and older attended college.
That 42% of businesses that are owned are owned by women of color.
And to be the most neglected, disrespected, overlooked, people in America we have the lowest suicide rates in comparison to any other race and gender.
Why? Because Black Women, bend but don’t fold.
To every Queen that has been neglected, hurt, abused, misled, mistreated, assaulted, and proven unworthy, I am here to let you know that I see you.
That your power reigns even when the world tries to convince you otherwise.
The world was built on the backs of praying grandmothers and ancestors that were born to fight. We are literally the rib of this world, don’t ever let social media, men, or your white counterparts try to convince you that you aren’t magic.
Forgive Yourself.
/“She Deserves It Most”
My roommate said something to me when we were talking one day, and whenever I become overly critical of myself, I think back to what she told me.
“Don’t be your biggest bully.”
I hadn’t even realized it but I was my biggest bully. I was the hardest on myself. There were times when I would think about things that have happened in my past, things I’ve done, how I’ve reacted, and literally beat myself up over it.
But, why? Why do we do this? Is it going to change anything about the past? Is it going to make us feel better to harp on how horrible these past actions have made us feel?
The short answer is NO.
It’s vital to remember that we are ever-changing women, with divine femininity. That being said, we are not perfect, we make mistakes. However, we can’t harp on them. What we can do is, take accountability, reflect, offer ourselves grace, and move on sis.
No single choice that you make in this lifetime will define who you are as a human being or as a woman.
Forgiveness of self is so important because although we make friendships that may last a lifetime, fall in love with a partner, or whatever soul ties we maintain on this earth, the only person you are truly stuck with is yourself. It’s vital to look in the mirror and understand...
She’s not going anywhere. I must treat her nicely.
It’s also important to understand why we hold on so tightly to these grudges against ourselves. Often times it stems from knowing that a decision you made would not be looked at as a respectable decision, and make you look or feel incompetent in the eyes of others. We then carry these thoughts on our shoulders, over analyze them and mentally subtract from our self worth because of it.
As we move, life moves with us. Don’t be so distracted by the past that you allow it to overflow into the future. You are worthy of forgiveness, love, light, and compassion... but it starts within.
You owe it to you, to forgive yourself for all you did and all you didn’t do, so you can get everything that’s for YOU.
And honestly sis, if we out here forgiving these men the LEAST we can do is match that same energy when it comes to self.
Quarantine: “ It’s the stay at home order for me”
/From the death of some cherished household names to a pandemic that shook an entire world, 2020 has already been a hell of a year. I don’t know about y’all but when I was told I had to stay home, I was upset and the first thing that came to my mind was “what about my weekly Mexican food date with my girls?!”
Needless to say, me and my home girls were upset not just because of Mexican dates getting canceled, but because graduations, weddings, concerts, and even brunch was canceled for more than three months. While this pandemic, which led to an untimely quarantine, intended to keep us at home, and out of touch, I’m excited that it did quite the opposite.
Stories of booming new businesses and newfound independence continue to bless my timeline and administer “can do” attitudes. When the unfortunate deaths of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Ahmaud Arbery hit our timeline, it woke the world up. People were protesting and on social media for weeks getting bills changed, signing petitions, canceling Starbucks, and anything else that screamed: “woke”. My people reignited an image from our ancestors that was clearly forgotten by so many.
From little boutiques to building fit physiques, I would say we have been out here doing anything necessary to stay busy, to stay heard, and to stay paid.
So what did you do during this quarantine? Did you learn how to install your own box braids or become TikTok famous? Finally, pick up that book you could not find time to start before? Checking in with yourself through meditation and manifesting the life you want? Or just constantly refreshing your feed, to see what’s new?
If you haven’t gotten into anything, I’m here to encourage you to get the ball rolling. Self-evolution is mandatory for many reasons and the lack of its development can breed negative traits. Self-evolution diminishes the growth of impulse acting, toxic relationships, and holding onto guilt. All of which we just don’t have time for in 2020.
Being forced into a season of introverted living could have weakened us as a nation, but in so many areas, we have set building blocks for future generations and I don’t just mean the quarantine babies. Too soon for jokes? Moving on…The recognition of purpose happened during this pandemic, for most of us.
So, if you are still in a season of uncertainty and lacking motivation, I encourage you to step out of your fixed structure and do something you’ve always dreamt of. And whatever you have been up to, even if your state is phasing out of quarantine, I encourage you to keep going!
Quarantine was meant to be a season of healing for a nation threatened by sickness and death. We were never meant to take this time to succumb to this negativity but to encourage one another to continue the change the Obama’s reignited in us. Whatever it is, find your niche and stick to it.
Purposely On Purpose
/What’s your calling?
Could you imagine being in your late forties or fifties and still not have a clue what you were called to do on this planet? I compare it to driving down a highway and never knowing which exit to turn off on; just continual motion but never the final pleasure of arriving at a desired destination.
It saddened me when I was communicating with an older coworker about new possible career opportunities and just life in general. She seemed rather confused and overwhelmed about what she really wanted to do. She said with a sigh,“I don’t know what I am going to do with this life of mine.” My coworker is not alone by any means. Many people often wonder what God has called them to do on this mighty green Earth.
A person who is unsure about their future and purpose in life may have a hard time seeing friends, family members and even strangers opening up businesses, writing books, doing speaking engagements, and etc. Those individuals appear content within themselves as they flaunt their success and happiness on social media and in person while others leave a job everyday feeling unfulfilled.
Preacher Devon Franklin implemented a Prayer Live on Instagram on Tuesday nights after the pandemic started. I listen in with him and thousands of others who join every week and I am amazed at some of the prayer requests. Of course people pray for their families, good health, help with finding a job or a spouse but so many pray for another type of miracle. They pray for God to reveal their life’s purpose to them or to help them find it. It seems to be a crowd favorite and I now realize how many people out there are just living to die and not dying to live.
I am sure in due time he will help them figure it out so they can live a fuller life with purpose and be able to help others. God is our foundation for everything and consistent prayer and reading the bible are perfect for assisting with clarity when facing this type of dilemma.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NT)
In addition to the bible you can read other books that are related to things that interest you. You may get some ideas and motivation that will help you reach that self-fulfillment phase of life. There are various self help books about any topic or skill that you can imagine from business to cooking and anything in between.
You probably wouldn’t make the best daycare owner if you really don’t like kids though so it is best to research things that you already enjoy or things that you have always been curious about. You never know; you could spark up something in yourself that you never knew existed and then VOILA! Life could be much more enjoyable when you finally have that epiphany!
We often overlook some talents or skills that we already possess that may lead to our self fulfillment or purpose. Maybe you are naturally good with organization of all things. You may be able to set up a consulting firm to help busy individuals or small businesses to stay organized.
Perhaps you are an expert at managing and saving money. If so you could look into helping others using the same tactics that have helped you. So take time to think about something that you do extremely well with minimal thought or effort. These things could help identify your purpose in life.
You probably never thought much about it before but wouldn’t it be great if you already found your purpose and just didn’t realize it yet? So just keep being intentional and keep your eyes open and God will lead you in the right direction to help find that thing or things that make you want to get up in the morning.
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give away.”
It would be a win-win situation if your purpose was related to your financial career and advancement but it doesn’t always have to be. Sometimes your purpose in life is simply to help people without monetary compensation. God may lead you to a children’s hospital to sit with kids who don’t have any family to come visit them. You could be at peace by doing this and not even care if you get paid or not. This is actually a true life revelation that I received from my mother recently and she plans to become a voluntary sitter at a hospital once she retires. That is the true purpose of life when you dedicate your time into something simply because it warms your heart inside and feeds your soul.
I am so grateful that I finally figured out my true calling is to be a writer. I want to be more than just a person who can write, I want to be a person that writes intentionally for a purpose to help and inspire others.
Congratulations to those who have already discovered God’s purpose for their life. For those who are still in search or not sure, don’t worry sis! Keep praying and keep searching high and low and deep down in your soul. I have faith in you girl and so should you! You will manifest your destiny either by stumbling upon it by accident or being intentional.
Above all, keep God at the center of all that you do and the rest will fall into place.
It's “The Way You Love Me”, For Me
/“What Is A Love Language?”: Love languages are one of the most important yet disregarded parts of relationships. Love languages pinpoint how a person accepts love and how a person needs to be loved.
Different Types of Love Languages:
Words of affirmation: All love languages include some type of reassurance, however this one specifically needs encouraging, meaningful words because of a lack of trust or independence. This person may second guess themselves a lot or always ask for an opinion. They may often struggle with always wanting to make the right decision, so try not to get annoyed with their questions. Always be there pushing them to depend on their own judgement and intuition!
Quality time: Memories, memories, memories! This person is all about having a good time. Any event you name it, they just want to be around. This type of person may struggle with being alone for long periods of time or always wanting to check on you. Don’t get distant! Communication is very important here or assumptions can crawl in creating mishap.
Receiving gifts: Not so much a materialistic person, receiving gifts for them is a more of a solidified way to reassure them about your feelings or bond. This also doesn’t necessarily mean the amount of money spent is important, just thinking about them enough to give into them is want counts, big or small! It’ll make them feel on top of the world.
Physical touch: A lot of people see this type of love language as clingy. They may have a hard time expressing themselves with words, so they use physical touch to showcase their feelings and emotions. This person may not want to be touched or need an excessive amount of space when they’re upset to refuel. Best thing to do after they’ve cooled off, give them a hug to let them know you’re present.
Acts of service: Similar to gift giving but this love language focuses on actions. Doesn’t necessarily have to be a gift, simply surprising them with a visit or going out of your way to bring them a meal could mean the world to them! It’s all about them knowing you are going to be there when the rain comes!
It’s not only important to acknowledge someone's love language, it is also imperative that we get to know our own love language, and begin to implement the way we want to be loved in our own self-love journey. It begins with you, once you know what works for you and what your heart desires, you allow other people to be open to explore that space with you.
Anyone who's in love or cares about the relationship they hold with a person, should want to be sure they’re properly feeding their partner’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
If you’ve ever felt like you just didn’t get a person or they never seem satisfied, the cause for friction may be that you were unaware of the other’s love language or even you feeding your own love language into them (which will never be received how it’s expected to be).
Growing up my mother, and most of my family for that matter, weren’t aware of my love language (physical touch). During my youth, I was deprived of the millions of hugs, cuddles, and tickles I needed and unknowingly was force fed my mother’s love language (acts of service).
It was simple for me to overlook the materialistic things I received growing up because essentially all I needed was love and affection. Over time this left me in major distress and my mind often wondered if I was even loved as a child.
Being starved from my love language for so long has made me do two things. First, analyze and comprehend others' behavior to avoid ignoring their love languages and secondly, plummet deeply towards mine, which is dangerous.
Love languages have a great importance that can make or break not only a relationship, but the long-term effects on a person's mental and emotional health. You never want to love a person the wrong way and you definitely never want to make someone feel unappreciated.
Furthermore, avoiding or dismissing a loved one's personal needs will only cause confusion, animosity, and resentment. Analyze your loved one's around you and if you’re still unsure, communicate with them about what makes them feel their best!
It’s easy for empirical things like love languages to be set aside, but it truly is the little things that count. Take that extra step to utilize love languages in your everyday lives.
If you want to get started with loving yourself correctly, or demanding those around you to;
Click the link below to find out the way you desire to be loved.
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
Being Intentional:
/The gift we are giving ourselves for the new year.
Happy New Year Good Girls,
We’re a few days into the new year and I don’t want to sound cliche but 2020 already feels different. Not in a bad way, but rather refreshing. That refreshing feeling may be related to a new year giving us a chance to start over, correct some traits we’re not too proud of or it could be related to us entering a new decade, either way we have made it to another year and that in itself is worth being happy about. The weighted responsibility of making the most of the new year while reflecting on what the past year looked like is a familiar feeling and can definitely be overwhelming. There’s just something about self-reflection and wanting to improve that is so hopeful and rewarding. Unfortunately that’s where a lot of the optimism stops, when it’s time to put in the work we create so many excuses as to why it cannot be done.
Not this year.
In order for plans to work out we have to start somewhere and be intentional about what we want our end goal to look like. That’s it, just start. Now, I know that “just start” is very broad and it doesn’t take a genius to know that starting has to happen in order to finish, so I’m going to highlight three effective ways to jumpstart your resoultion:
BE SPECIFIC. If you’re anything like me, you have a hundred things on your mind, countless ideas, responsibilities and engagements to attend. We can multitask but more times than not our resolutions will take a backseat to this adulting concept (I hate it here). I don’t care if your list of resolutions is three bullet points or if you have a laundry list of improvements. If you are aimlessly wandering around the idea of improving yourself and aren’t specific in what needs to change for the goal to be met it’ll never happen. You want to run your first marathon this year? Look up what races are in your area for 2020. Now your resolution goes from “I want to run a marathon”, to “I want to run in the local 5k six months from now.”
BABY STEPS. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and I personally feel that’s because change can be scary. Most people are afraid of change, with good reason. For some people they don’t have time to waste on being scared and that is very admirable. But for the rest of us, baby steps allow us to dip our feet and not commit to what we don’t know. Baby steps and intentionality go hand in hand when it comes to progress, it makes you want to keep going, to grow into something bigger and eventually blossom into your full potential. Start small. Your training doesn’t have to be a three mile run at 5 am. Start by walking twice a week. Get your body used to being outdoors. Slow and steady will always win the race.
3. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF AND HAVE FUN. If your resolution involves you trying something new, make sure that you’re being patient with yourself. You don’t know everything and that’s ok, we are learning as we go so don’t be so critical. Make sure kind thoughts crowd your mind and celebrate when you meet goals within your resolution. Also keep in mind that you are not obligated to stick to a resolution simply because you started it. If you realize this ain’t it, keep it pushing. Lastly you owe it to yourself to have fun with whatever your resolutions are. Trying new things should be exciting. If we can’t have fun, why are we here?
"So.... do I just have to.... move on?"
/R-ealizing.
A-ccepting.
P-acifying.
E-volving.
I'm going to base this article solely on my perspective, coming from personal experience and stories I've asked my peers for. Going to try to keep it transparent and straight to the point. This is no project. This is no school assignment. This is raw. This is real. And if this helps one person, I have achieved my goal.
Let me make this clear before I begin-
Do not blame yourself.
Do not blame yourself.
Do not blame yourself.
"I knew I shouldn't have gone to that party."
Well for me it was, "I knew I should have gone to that party." Since if I had... my encounter wouldn't have happened.
Meaning.. party or no party.. has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING. I know people who have been taken advantage of in church. Does that mean they shouldn't have gone to church that Sunday? No. That's just clarification the setting of the event is not something you can blame yourself for.
"Why did I wear that?"
"I shouldn't have been drinking."
"I shouldn't have been smoking."
Realize:
http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/story?id=130199&page=1
http://metro.co.uk/2016/09/15/mother-speaks-out-about-the-rape-of-her-11-month-old-baby-6129812/
In addition to those poor babies, over 62,939 cases of child sexual abuse were reported in 2012. Were all of their skirts too short? Bodysuits too tight? Plunged necks too plunged? Should they have put the bottles down earlier? Should they have declined a spot in rotation? Should they have not fallen asleep?
"I mean, but did I say no?"
Shifting your body is no.
Shaking your head is no.
Making it obvious you're uncomfortable is no.
Not participating is no.
Participating in oral, but making it clear you didn't want to take any further steps is no.
"Chill" is no.
“Stop” is no.
"Please stop" is no.
"I don't want to" is no.
"I'm really drunk" is no.
"Wait..." is no.
Silence is no.
Not making it clear you are down is no.
Not saying "yes"..... is no.
Answer this-
If somebody’s laid around YOU resting, would that trigger YOU to take that as opportunity to disregard them as a human being and completely exploit their body just to use it at your demonic and lusty disposal?
…… okay then.
Step 1 is coming to realization. It happened. What's next?
Accept it.
"Was it reallllllllyyyy rape?"
Yes. Yes, it was.
Breathe.
If you did not want to have intercourse, but intercourse happened and you felt helpless....
No. You are not being overdramatic.
No. You are not overreacting.
No. You do not need to be ashamed of any decision you made prior.
No. You do not need to brush it off and keep it pushing.
No. It is not fair.
No. You shouldn't feel dumb for missing any signs.
No. He's not too nice of a guy to do it.
No. She's not too nice of a girl to do it.
No. He's not too cute for it to be rape.
No. She's not too fine for it to be rape.
No. You should not feel embarrassed.
No. You're not crazy for not wanting to press charges.
No. You're not dumb for not "fighting" him/her back.
No. It's not your fault.
No. You're not the only one who didn't want to tell anyone.
No. You're not the only one who was confused.
No. You're not the only one who tried to brush it off.
No. You're not the only one who felt dirty afterwards.
No. You’re not the only one who felt empty afterwards.
No. You’re not the only one who didn’t know what to feel afterwards.
No. It didn't have to be a stranger.
No. It didn't have to be extremely aggressive.
No. You're not the only one who didn't kick and scream.
No. You're not the only one who froze.
No. You're not the only one who tried to convince their self they wanted it.
No. You're not alone.
No. It doesn't make sense.
No. You're not the only one feeling emotions you don't want to feel.
With my experience, I blamed myself terribly for about a month. I thought it was so much I should’ve done that could have prevented it. I didn't think it was rape because I thought it was my fault, but I knew I felt disgusting. Empty. Disposable. Violated. Sick. Traumatized. Alienated. I did not understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I started feeling a heavy weight on my spirit every morning. Happy ass, positive ass Braxton... felt like she was falling into a deep depression. And her social ass, outgoing ass, my mom is my best friend headass was choosing to go through it alone. A month may sound like a short amount of time, but each day of darkness felt like it’s own eternity. I wasn't even thinking about the situation being tied to the slump I was falling into, because that would've been me being over-dramatic and I. hate. feeling. like. I'm. being. over-dramatic. I wasn't getting out of bed. I knew looking good normally made me feel better, but I didn't have the energy to go through the getting ready process. I stopped going to class. I didn't have much of an appetite. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I couldn't bring myself to believe that all my ambitious ass really wanted to do was sleep.
It's something about having something precious snatched from you. Stolen from you. It's something about doing something you didn't want to do. It's something about being used. It’s something about someone demeaning you. Degrading you… up close and personally… aggressively. It's something about realizing someone ignored you as a person and treated you like a disposable item to convenience their self. To please their self. To get off. To bust… a… fucking…… nut. All to bust… a…. fucking…. nut. It's something about feeling like it's nothing you can do about it now. It's something about wanting to understand something you never will. It's something about fishing for a "why?" that's not in the damn sea. I tried so so hard to figure out what was going on. I was blaming it on past situations. I was blaming it on my environment. I would text my sisters/ call my mom just asking for prayer. I was so fucking confused about why I felt so dysfunctional and I hate dysfunction.
When I think back, that month (and some change) before I found clarity on the situation is all a blur. Even typing this now I feel so dramatic, but I'm gonna push through it because I know someone will be able to relate. I would cry a lot, overwhelmingly, but I told myself it was for other reasons.. not about the situation. I would cry about not feeling like myself and feeling like it was completely out of my control.
The day I told my oldest sister, a dark cloud cleared in my life. I found it in myself to accept the fact that I was not okay & that was okay. I cried about what happened to me and I cried about all the turmoil that came after, for the first time. She made me realize it was NOT my fault and I could NOT blame myself for what happened. I could NOT blame myself for being alone with a rapist disguised as a big brother figure. I could NOT blame myself for being raped. I could NOT blame myself for evil doing what evil does (violate, dehumanize, demean, degrade, etc.. you know.. be evil.) A couple days after I told her, I told my mom. After telling those two, I felt drastically different.
After accepting the situation for what it is, it's time to tend to it. It’s time to..
Pacify it.
This is the most complicated part since everyone is so different. Each victim is different. Each story is different. Each rapist had a different connection to each victim. Each victim’s support system is different. However, the most important thing is the same-
Each victim must take time to heal.
The pacifying process.
How did I start to heal? I first had to figure out what I wanted in the end. I didn't want a big scene. I didn't want him harmed. I just wanted me to be okay. Actually, I wanted me to be good because okay is not good enough. Actually, I wanted me to be better because I can’t control what happened, but I can control what I turn it into.
The pacifying step is most important to me because I've came across many desensitized by rape due to how they handled their situation. We can not have that. We have to be there for each other. Those who are desensitized- they blamed it on their self. They handled it alone. They haven't told anyone to this day. They feel uncomfortable when the topic comes up, but they don't think they deserve to. They believe their situation was close to rape, but not rape because they should have made better decisions. They left it alone. They ignored how weird they felt afterwards. They didn't want to be overreacting, over-dramatic, embarrassed, questioned, judged, etc. Some don't even realize they're desensitized because they've shifted their perspective on rape naturally. Although they know they felt violated, they shift their perspective to one almost like the average mans. "She didn't say "No." She was drunk. She was high. She probably wanted it. It wasn't that big of a deal. It could've been worse. It's over now."
Am I describing you? If so, It's not too late. It's NEVER too late and it's always better late than never that you tend to your emotions. Cry now. Tell someone now. Soak in on how your situation made you feel. Put yourself in your rapist shoes. If they were sleeping, if they were drunk, would you have taken their clothes off and did what they did to you? If they told you no three times softly would you have proceeded? When someone lays in your presence do you feel entitled to their body?
Another big part to healing properly is not making the situation about finding faults. Know and understand it's not yours and move on from there.
Release the tension. You've been uneasy long enough. Time to let it go. First allow yourself to feel the frustration. Feel the confusion. Feel the inequity. You deserve that. You have to go low with your emotions to go high next. You have to feel down to feel up next.
You do not have to face your rapist. You do not have to convince everyone that you were raped. You do not have to prove to anyone how it affected you. That's putting energy into the wrong things, all of your energy needs to go towards making YOU better. I'm specifically not saying "back to normal" because I want you to grow from this.
If writing works for you, write about the situation in an effective way. Do not put sweat and tears into deep thoughts about your rapist. He's taken enough from you. Write about you. How was that for you? Where do you want to go from here? Write about the feelings you're trying to overcome.
If you're a pray-er, pray about you. Pray about a societal shift in rape culture. Pray about others who have been through what you've been through. Pray about others who may be feeling what you're feeling. Be specific. Tell God what emotions you don't want to feel anymore. Tell God you're confused, but also thank him for your future stability and the strength you have now. You're reading this, so you've made it through. You may not be where you want to be mentally/ emotionally with the situation... so tell God that. Then take the steps to grow from it. We must back our prayers up with action.
Whether you're a talker or not, I'd suggest talking about it. Each time I tell my story I notice it holds less power over me. Tell your story to not only a trusted individual, but a wise individual. Whenever someone is pouring their heart out at a fragile moment, a moment of vulnerability, the reaction is CRUCIAL to the healing process. I wouldn't want you seeking comfort from anyone who will come with questions like "Did you say no?" or "What were you wearing?"
Okay.
Breathe. (inhale through your nose counting to 7, exhale through your mouth counting to 7)
Now we've realized what happened.
We've accepted what happened.
We've pacified what happened.
Now it's our turn to take full control!!!!
What do we do when boys fuck us over??? We glow up on that ass. Yes this is WAY deeper, but it's a concept we can all relate to. It's unfortunate that we have to take it upon ourselves to clean up messes we had no control over... but let's clean up so well the "place" is better than ever before. The "place" is glowing. We are the place. We can become spotless again even after a crazy party, even after someone came in and fucked some shit up.
Let's evolve.
I can (now) honestly say my experience had a positive impact on me in the end. It took tons of tears, weeks of fasting, and countless talks with God, but I'm here.
Yippee!!! Finding the silver lining in everything. Searching for the light in everything and wanting to help others find their light, too.
When I reached that dark place, I had to search for who I was again & I took complete control over myself again. I refound my light. And don't get me wrong I always saw a light in myself, but this time it was different. It's something about being in the darkest place you've ever been in that leads you to find the brightest light in yourself. And ever since I flicked that switch on, I haven't seen a dark time. Meaning I only allow myself to see the light of situations. Way easier said than done, BUT it CAN be done.
A women who found it in herself to complete herself cannot be broken. Ever.
Everything is a learning experience. Everything really does happen for a reason.
What is meant to be... will be.
What is meant to work out... will work out.
Especially for the good of them that love the Lord. Amen.
"So glad I made it. I made it through. Got some scars, but I'm still alive. In spite of calamity, he still has a plan for me and it's working for MY good. It's building my testimony."
Marvin Sapp’s ‘My Testimony’
(Please take a listen to the song)
I look at my situation as a scar. You can, too! A little battle scar. It's a battle that you've already won, physically. Don't let them win over you, mentally. They had that one moment of you, but essentially you can win now. You will win now. Don't give them anymore power over you!!!!!!!!
Release.
Realize this is when it falls on you.
You have to do this for you.
Nobody can make you evolve besides yourself. Use this as the time. Use this as the urge. Flip it around. Take advantage of your situation.
Let this fire you feel add to the fuel of passion you already had inside.
Let your evolution be multi-faceted.
Evolve mentally.
Evolve emotionally.
Evolve spiritually.
Evolve physically.
Evolve financially.
Dig deep and push yourself.
Figure out what you need to do to make yourself better and push yourself daily to do that. Emphasis on daily. You have to constantly push in order to consistently grow. It's not just about realization... it's about action. The question should always be:
"What am I doing today that is helping my tomorrow?"
And the bonus question is always:
"What can I do today that will help someone else's tomorrow?"
Don't be afraid of the steps you need to take to become who you want to become. Don't be afraid of taking the steps you need to take to become who you want to become.
Growth requires change. You cannot be afraid of change. You must go for it.
And you don't only have to apply this process to physical rape. You can use it for situations that may be "raping" you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
You WILL heal from this. You did NOT deserve this, but soon it will be another victory under your belt. You are strong. You are powerful. You are EVERYTHING.
I love you!
Let’s move on! FOR GOOD!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO,
BRAX
Dear Lord
/Prayer Transcribed from Ecclesiastes 3
